Meditative Jokesters Mugs

"Sorry I'm late - I got caught in another avalanche."

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Perhaps more people would give heed unto the word of the Lord if the Lord had a funny blog."

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"But you didn't say they had to make sense - you just told us to write a thousand words a day."

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

Lesbians for Christ

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

"The answers to the questions you seek could also be found on Google."

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

'Please join me now in a group meditation.'

Zenboni

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

Kid in hospital has I.V. in him that is a straw.

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

'What, not even a kiss first?'

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

"Meditation is too hard. How do you keep one thought in your mind for this long?"

Santa Claus stuck in a chimney sitting in a hospital emergency room.

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

'I'm trying to become enlightened, but my stomach keeps growling and interrupting me!'

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! Malaprop Man! I hear you told people in England you're royalty. Yeah, at first they didn't realize that I was only Joe King. I was an error to the throne who rained for forty days and forty knights. It's disappointing though that I never got to see a pig riding contest at Bucking Ham palace. And I never met Sherlock Holmes. He's the guy who followed the foot prince!

"Psst! I got mantras. You need a mantra? Mantras right here..."

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

Man tries to build a traditional Indian Guru bed using flatpack furniture.

That's no largemouth bass, son - You caught yourself a rare blabbermouth bass. I'm nothin'! A nobody! Throw me back and I'll show you where the really big fish are!