Medico-satire Enthusiasts Gifts

"... or can we manipulate these statistics, and send him home."

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

"There's your son's heartbeat, and over here is the app he's developing."

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

'Hello, I'm Dr. Frank Stein and this is my anaesthetist, Dr. Ivan Gore. We'll be doing your hernia operation tomorrow.'

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

"I feel your pain level."

'I'm afraid it's bad news Mr.Hooper, I've just got the report on your finances.'

Heimlich maneuver, Gastric bypass surgery, Liver transplant.

"Assisting me with this delicate procedure is Dr. Warren. He's one of the top specialists in avoiding malpractice suits."

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."

"The colonoscopy isn't your eternal punishment...the prep is."

"Does it hurt when my attorney does this?"

Dr. Flagg's Worst Nightmare

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

'Don't worry. We still have a few more treatment options available.'

"Your test results are back. We're going to have to remove your appendix and your wallet."

'Pardon me, Doctor; but exactly where did you study anaesthesiology?'

'I can't make you younger...odometer tampering is against the law.'

'You've got dry scalp.'

"Your veins are too narrow. Let me get our in-house specialist to help."

"I think you're suffering from nostalgia, Mr. Prentice."

"Your test results are perfect and there is nothing wrong with you. We will operate on you for it tomorrow."