Medical Warning Enthusiast Gifts

Caution: Do not try and make sense of our medical warnings whilst operating heavy machinery.

As a rule, all surprise parties start out with good intentions.

"....H....5....N...1...???You got me.... but I'm sure it spells trouble."

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"I made a list of all my symptoms. Lost the list. Can't remember any of my symptoms now."

"Don't be an idiot, Larry."

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

On the scale of 1-10, do you like it?

"Well your results would be normal if you were a 108 and smoked a 60 a day!"

Warning: Not giving milk is hazardous to your health.

"It's called being preemptive."

"And as if that wasn't bad enough. They've discovered that I'm allergic to bandages!"

"As a confirmed hypochondriac, I rely on placebos to get me through the day."

'Luckily you caught it in time while you're still alive to sue.'

"Will he be okay?"

'I'm convinced I've got page 68 of my medical dictionary, doctor!'

No Action Comics

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

Cook for 3 minutes stir, wait 30 years to discover if the contaminated ingredient gives you stomach cancer.

'The medication wont cure you, but it's side effects will!'

'I want to lose weight, Doctor.' - 'Eat less, then.' - 'I need it to be more complicated than that.' - 'Why?' - 'How can I justify failing if it's that simple, eh?!' - 'Gah. He's breaking me...' -

'You're a hypochondriac.' 'Yes, Doctor, but am I a healthy hypochondriac, or a sick hypochondriac?'

'Panic over...it's not mumps just high blood pressure.'

'Wait a minute! Didn't I see you on 'Funniest Medical Bloopers and Blunders'?'

"I think the Church is taking this flu thing a little too seriously."

'Even hypochondriacs pass away...sooner or later.'

"So, when you looked up your symptoms, did it say to complain about it incessantly but never seek treatment?"

'It's Mrs Yomp - she can't remember if she should take the aspirin first and call you in the morning, or call you first, then take the aspirin...'

'You're fine.'

'Your present physical condition reminds me of my 401(K), worth about half of what it once was'

'I gave you a few extra stitches - Your husband's idea, really!'

'Get back! Get back! Or so help me...I'll eat it!'

"They told me to consult with a doctor before beginning an exercise program."

"Nurse, you've mixed up the helium and oxygen again haven't you ?"