Medical Satire Reader Gifts

"You're not so much crying on the inside as severely hemorrhaging."

"We did the best we could, but I was doing drugs during most of medical school."

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Virtual Doctor

'Hello, I'm Dr. Frank Stein and this is my anaesthetist, Dr. Ivan Gore. We'll be doing your hernia operation tomorrow.'

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

Saline Drip Sommelier.

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

'There is a drug for Hypochondria... but the side-effects may actually make you sick!'

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

'No, I don't think it a cute idea! Get rid of him and turn in your supervisor's uniform!'

"We've combine the recovery area with the gift shop... just in case your visitors want to pick up a little souvenir."

'Your cat scan looks fine, your pet scan looks fine, your MRI looks fine, but your insurance reimbursement doesn't look fine.'

"According to your brain scan, you just don't want to go back to work."

"I feel your pain level."

'I'm afraid it's bad news Mr.Hooper, I've just got the report on your finances.'

"Grandmother, what big diastolic numbers you have."

"Assisting me with this delicate procedure is Dr. Warren. He's one of the top specialists in avoiding malpractice suits."

Heimlich maneuver, Gastric bypass surgery, Liver transplant.

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

While you're at it, will you sew on my shirt button please?