Medical Records Pillows

'Ok, Ms. Feldman, it says on your chart that you were discharged yesterday.'

"Let's see you're my 46 year old dirtbag with acute cheapskateitis?"

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

2021

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

'Medical school's been more challenging since the cadavers turned into zombies.'

"Do you want to pretend to be a doctor and I'll pretend to be a hotshot civil litigation attorney who sues you till your ears bleed?"

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"His first out-of-body experience."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

vaccine wars.

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

A midwife holding a baby

Doctor describes inside guts while patient has black thoughts.

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

Captain Ahab searched for a vaccine.

"The prostate biopsy shows your pain threshold is much higher than normal."

Lactose Intolerant

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

"I need a deeper access to his brain. Only google has the records."

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

"Your contents have shifted."

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"