Medical Reassurance Gifts

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Finally, I cracked."

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

"Don't worry, darling. You'll happen."

Turn your head and laugh.

The Canary in the Coal Mine

"I try to 'go with the flow' doc, but my prostate is an unwilling participant!"

When it comes to health issues, I'd rather listen to a physician than a spin doctor.

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

First aid departments

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

"I'm a doctor - I'm SUPPOSED to be a health nut!"

'Learn to relax and don't bottle yourself up.'

'Yes, yes, yes, now seriously, what can we do to improve our health?'

"Loss of libido? Have you considered Husband Replacement Therapy?"

The Children's Hospital

'You have to give up this devil-may-care fattitude.'

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

'Well, if you don't smoke or drink, stop chewing gum!'

'The best thing for you, is to give up booze and smoking.'

"I suggest you take these pills on an empty stomach."

'I want to lose weight, Doctor.' - 'Eat less, then.' - 'I need it to be more complicated than that.' - 'Why?' - 'How can I justify failing if it's that simple, eh?!' - 'Gah. He's breaking me...' -

'Try not to think about your car-parking charges.'

'Your heart is slightly larger but that's because you're an animal lover.'

"Don't eat anything fatty...you're not listening, Fatty...I said, 'Don't eat anything!'"

Medical Exam

"The doctor will see you now, warts and all."

See, no monster under your bed

"After giving advice for decades, my doctor gave me some. He suggested I quit sitting all day."

"See, Timmy? No boogeymen under your bed — they're all out there."

'You're fine. Now get out of my office!'

'Does that mean my reflexes are GOOD then, doctor?'

'I asked you for one good reason why I should follow your advice, not six.'

'If I do decide to get a second opinion, can I get it at your blog?'

'No. I said, 'Inhale deeply, and hold your breath.''