Medical Mystery Fan Gifts

"I'm afraid the shark got your arms and legs. It's probably not a good time, but your brother's here. He needs a kidney."

"I'm going to ask you a series of scary questions. When I'm done, let's see if you can guess why I'm asking them."

"We'd like to start out being very involved with you but eventually be drawn away to much more interesting cases down the hall."

Doctor - 'You have legionnaires disease!' Legionnaires - 'Mon dieu!'

"I can't find anything wrong with you at all."

'Perhaps we had better cut back on our trace minerals.'

'Wow! Well this certainly rules out hypochondria!'

'Quite frankly, Mr. Bayliss, you've got us baffled.'

'I'm sending you for X-rays †I need to see under that rough exterior of yours.'

"Sorry to report your labs came back positive. There's no reason you can't continue your pessimistic lifestyle, though."

"Sorry Mr. Parkinson, but I've left some rubber gloves inside you. I need to open you up to retrieve them."

"This patient must be really rich! He brought back the most extravagant illnesses from exotic holiday spots."

"You're sure it's a birthmark?"

"The doctor says I have something called 'hypochondria'...and it's very hard to cure!"

"...You are suffering from an extreme case of hypochondria so I'm prescribing a course of placebos to be started immediately!"

"I've got your test results."

'Well you can tell Dr. Zimler that you don't have Dalnik's syndrome, and, in fact, I think you have Zimler's syndrome.'

'If he died of natural causes, how come you never treated him for natural causes'

"I'd say you're in great shape... in fact, you've got the heart of a 20 year old!'

"There's no response! Are you sure he's in there?"

'Your oil light just went on.'

A dismembered man in a doctors surgery

'I've got a dog and I'm worried that it might catch avian flu from a turkey and develop a new strain of caninebird flu that I might catch!...Have you got something I can take to stop that happening?'

'Let's just say, whatever it is, it won't be making you any stronger.'

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

'How much good health are you looking for?'

That new doctor took blood samples to check my cholesterol, blood sugar and all kinds of other stuff...

"The doctor said I suffer from hypochondria. And you said there was nothing wrong with me."

'You're fine.'

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."