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'Side effects? You have to worry about side effects?'

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

'Veins...arteries...I told you I can never tell one from another.'

'Well, none of the other options worked, so we installed a power cord on him -- if he starts going haywire again just unplug him and wait 30 seconds.'

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about lyme disease."

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

"Who has removed the appendix from the medical text book?"

Paging for a Doctor

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"Went in for a simple blood test and got cloned by mistake."

"Does it hurt when I do this?"

"I'm afraid we're going to have to remove your appendix."

"This patient must be really rich! He brought back the most extravagant illnesses from exotic holiday spots."

'When you suggest that I might want the second, third, or even the forth opinion...are you saying my condition is THAT bad?!'

Illustrated Encyclopedia of Infectious Diseases

"Do you have a family history of this condition?"

"You're sure it's a birthmark?"

"We'd like to start out being very involved with you but eventually be drawn away to much more interesting cases down the hall."

'I have this constant ringing in my ears. I think I have tinnitus.' - 'Does it sound like an 'eeeeeee' or a 'shhhhh'?' - 'It's like the murmer of a thousand forgotten souls quietly lamenting past sorrows.' - 'Hmmm. I don't have a checkbox for that, sadly.

'I don't like the looks of this - there's nothing wrong.'

"And as if that wasn't bad enough. They've discovered that I'm allergic to bandages!"

'We can't determine if you're telling the truth, but you should have a doctor check your pressure.'

"You're this age and never had surgery? Aren't you curious?"

'We operated just in time. Another two days and you have got better on your own.'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'Luckily you caught it in time while you're still alive to sue.'

'Yes we can cure you - but the bigger problem now is: can you afford it?'

"But the P.R. guy says he's going to be O.K."

'The medical society says yes, the hospital says maybe and his lawyer says no.'

'Mr. Figgs - any door with doctor on it - knock-go in-smile-sit down-poor out your woes.'

'What is it now, Mister Hypochondriac?'

"Your tests look normal, but that's what the disease wants us to think."

"I'm afraid the shark got your arms and legs. It's probably not a good time, but your brother's here. He needs a kidney."