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"We'll come right out with it...what you have can't be pronounced."

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

'Veins...arteries...I told you I can never tell one from another.'

'Well, none of the other options worked, so we installed a power cord on him -- if he starts going haywire again just unplug him and wait 30 seconds.'

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about lyme disease."

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

"Who has removed the appendix from the medical text book?"

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

Paging for a Doctor

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"Went in for a simple blood test and got cloned by mistake."

"Does it hurt when I do this?"

Hypochodriac worrying about his heart.

"I'm afraid we're going to have to remove your appendix."

"Hiya, hiya, hiya, guy. I'm the bluebird of Prozac."

"Do you have a family history of this condition?"

Illustrated Encyclopedia of Infectious Diseases

"You're sure it's a birthmark?"

"This patient must be really rich! He brought back the most extravagant illnesses from exotic holiday spots."

'Gee, Doc - couldn't you just use a rubber mallet to check my reflexes?'

'When you suggest that I might want the second, third, or even the forth opinion...are you saying my condition is THAT bad?!'

"We'd like to start out being very involved with you but eventually be drawn away to much more interesting cases down the hall."

'I have this constant ringing in my ears. I think I have tinnitus.' - 'Does it sound like an 'eeeeeee' or a 'shhhhh'?' - 'It's like the murmer of a thousand forgotten souls quietly lamenting past sorrows.' - 'Hmmm. I don't have a checkbox for that, sadly.

'I don't like the looks of this - there's nothing wrong.'

'We can't determine if you're telling the truth, but you should have a doctor check your pressure.'

"And as if that wasn't bad enough. They've discovered that I'm allergic to bandages!"

"You're this age and never had surgery? Aren't you curious?"

"Your tests look normal, but that's what the disease wants us to think."

'Luckily you caught it in time while you're still alive to sue.'

'What is it now, Mister Hypochondriac?'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'We operated just in time. Another two days and you have got better on your own.'

'Mr. Figgs - any door with doctor on it - knock-go in-smile-sit down-poor out your woes.'

'The medical society says yes, the hospital says maybe and his lawyer says no.'