Medical Mysteries Enthusiast T-Shirts

"We'll come right out with it...what you have can't be pronounced."

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

'Veins...arteries...I told you I can never tell one from another.'

'Well, none of the other options worked, so we installed a power cord on him -- if he starts going haywire again just unplug him and wait 30 seconds.'

'The good news is that it's not your fault.'

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about lyme disease."

Paging for a Doctor

"Who has removed the appendix from the medical text book?"

'I've been googling your condition and I'm afraid to say...I think I might have it myself.'

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"Went in for a simple blood test and got cloned by mistake."

"Does it hurt when I do this?"

Hypochodriac worrying about his heart.

"I'm afraid we're going to have to remove your appendix."

"Hiya, hiya, hiya, guy. I'm the bluebird of Prozac."

"This patient must be really rich! He brought back the most extravagant illnesses from exotic holiday spots."

'Gee, Doc - couldn't you just use a rubber mallet to check my reflexes?'

"Do you have a family history of this condition?"

'When you suggest that I might want the second, third, or even the forth opinion...are you saying my condition is THAT bad?!'

Illustrated Encyclopedia of Infectious Diseases

"You're sure it's a birthmark?"

"We'd like to start out being very involved with you but eventually be drawn away to much more interesting cases down the hall."

'I have this constant ringing in my ears. I think I have tinnitus.' - 'Does it sound like an 'eeeeeee' or a 'shhhhh'?' - 'It's like the murmer of a thousand forgotten souls quietly lamenting past sorrows.' - 'Hmmm. I don't have a checkbox for that, sadly.

'I don't like the looks of this - there's nothing wrong.'

"And as if that wasn't bad enough. They've discovered that I'm allergic to bandages!"

'We can't determine if you're telling the truth, but you should have a doctor check your pressure.'

"You're this age and never had surgery? Aren't you curious?"

'We operated just in time. Another two days and you have got better on your own.'

'Luckily you caught it in time while you're still alive to sue.'

'Yes we can cure you - but the bigger problem now is: can you afford it?'

'What is it now, Mister Hypochondriac?'

'Mr. Figgs - any door with doctor on it - knock-go in-smile-sit down-poor out your woes.'

"But the P.R. guy says he's going to be O.K."

"Your tests look normal, but that's what the disease wants us to think."