Medical Assistant Pillows

'The assistant to the physician's assistant will see you now.'

Nurse takes man's blood pressure, man floats like a baloon.

"I'm going to take your blood pressure, so try to relax and not think about what a high reading might mean for your chances of living a long, healthy life."

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

'You're giving me a flu-shot? Shouldn't you be giving me an anti-flu shot?'

Nurse hestitant to give injection because of the fear of AIDS, hepatitis B etc

Thermometers.

Doctor pronounces patient is still 'Alive and kicking' whilst having bootprints on his coat

"The biopsy on your mole came back negative, which is positive, which is good."

"If you don't mind, I'm trying a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

"You call yourself a laboratory retriever? That's a prescription pad, not a chem panel."

"I undressed already to save us both some time."

'The doctor will see you shortly. Try not to disappoint him.'

"Old Mrs. Cranshaw is next, Doctor. Better put on your white jacket."

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

'Come into the examination room. I want to practice.'

Hmm, the signs don't look good...

"Now, this is going to feel like I'm sticking my finger up your a*s."

"That was never my diagnosis. That was my misdiagnosis."

"Business is slow this week. Put out a bowl of peanut brittle on the waiting room table."

"For goodness sake, lick the thread!"

"Please escort Miss Delgado to the private waiting room. She's curing my patients again."

"Actually, we leave patients out in the waiting room so long in order to get a more accurate blood pressure reading!"

"The doctor can see you as soon as you've urinated in this sample glass! Please hurry! The doctor is a busy man!"

"Is she critical?"

'A funny thing happened to me on the way to the doctor's office, folks...'

'My name is Mrs. Horner. My son Jackie stuck his thumb into a hot pie and burned it.'

'What are you looking at?' - 'Nothing, I'm trying to swallow my pills.'

"So, we've had a little swelling?"

"I think it's a little early to call it a botched operation."

'This medication must be taken on a full stomach.'

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

Surgery assisted by the patient.

'Hand me that gizmo, will you please?'

'It's not that simple, Ms. Whelan. You vcan't just shop around until you find a disease you like.'