Medical Assistance Pillows

'Let me through - I'm extremely nosy.'

Paramedic carrying a portable siren.

First aid departments

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

"Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Finally, I cracked."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

"It's not just him. The whole system's down."

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

The Canary in the Coal Mine

'My name is Mrs. Horner. My son Jackie stuck his thumb into a hot pie and burned it.'

'Your doing GREAT! Tomorrow you should be able to eat hospital food!'

'You're giving me a flu-shot? Shouldn't you be giving me an anti-flu shot?'

"The biopsy on your mole came back negative, which is positive, which is good."

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

GP to cat - 'In view of the new polyclinic up the road, yes we are opening our books to new patients.'

"Would you mind taking a look at this collection of my poems? Your opinion would mean a lot."

'Oops! It says administer at bedtime. Guess that makes it bedtime.'

When it comes to health issues, I'd rather listen to a physician than a spin doctor.

"I'm a doctor - I'm SUPPOSED to be a health nut!"

'Sorry, shortage of staff.'

'Luckily he has dementia so he's go some imaginary friends coming in to look after him.'

'It says take all your medication - if you can afford it.'

'Learn to relax and don't bottle yourself up.'

'You can always tell the pediatricians.'

"Are they called 'x-rays' because the alphabet wasn't finished when they were invented?"

"No wonder I'm getting feedback!"

"Holy moly!"

"Well, your bloodwork came back very cosmopolitan."

Paramedics.

'Yes, yes, yes, now seriously, what can we do to improve our health?'

'Don't ask how much your hospital bill is because we have no way of knowing.'

Hamster on dialysis machine 'In my day we'd have had him put down.'

'Serves you right, just tearing open the charge card bill and reading it like that!!'

"Loss of libido? Have you considered Husband Replacement Therapy?"