Medical Assistance Pillows

'Let me through - I'm extremely nosy.'

Paramedic carrying a portable siren.

First aid departments

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

"Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Good cholesterol, bad cholesterol. Finally, I cracked."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

"It's not just him. The whole system's down."

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

'Your doing GREAT! Tomorrow you should be able to eat hospital food!'

The Canary in the Coal Mine

'My name is Mrs. Horner. My son Jackie stuck his thumb into a hot pie and burned it.'

'You're giving me a flu-shot? Shouldn't you be giving me an anti-flu shot?'

"The biopsy on your mole came back negative, which is positive, which is good."

GP to cat - 'In view of the new polyclinic up the road, yes we are opening our books to new patients.'

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"Would you mind taking a look at this collection of my poems? Your opinion would mean a lot."

'Oops! It says administer at bedtime. Guess that makes it bedtime.'

'Luckily he has dementia so he's go some imaginary friends coming in to look after him.'

"I'm a doctor - I'm SUPPOSED to be a health nut!"

'Sorry, shortage of staff.'

'You can always tell the pediatricians.'

'It says take all your medication - if you can afford it.'

"Holy moly!"

"Well, your bloodwork came back very cosmopolitan."

"No wonder I'm getting feedback!"

'Learn to relax and don't bottle yourself up.'

"Are they called 'x-rays' because the alphabet wasn't finished when they were invented?"

Paramedics.

'Yes, yes, yes, now seriously, what can we do to improve our health?'

'Don't ask how much your hospital bill is because we have no way of knowing.'

Hamster on dialysis machine 'In my day we'd have had him put down.'

'Serves you right, just tearing open the charge card bill and reading it like that!!'

'You have to give up this devil-may-care fattitude.'

A pediatrician with children hanging off his arms