Medical Advisor In Training Pillows

'...Okay, do you have the tip of the steak knife over the spot where you think your appendix is? Okay, great...'

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

'Good news. Your cholesterol has stayed the same, but the research findings have changed.'

Obama Healthcare.

"Sometimes I wonder why I spent ten years at medical school and another 20 honing my skills..."

'It's a new technique for training interns: suture by numbers,'

"I'd delighted your son wants to be a surgeon.. but that no reason to let let him practice on you."

'The doctor will be with you shortly, he's finishing medical school.'

'Madam, this is not pornography. It is a textbook on obsterics and gynecology...'

"You'll never make it as a doctor with handwriting like this. I understood every word."

"Bad news. Your use-by date was a month ago."

'Can't you give the dummy mouth to mouth without getting romantically involved Mrs Wilks?'

"Let's take it again from the top...but this time with more fillings."

Dentist Training School.

"Let me through - I'm a bonsai tree surgeon."

Resusci Annie takes a well-earned vacation.

'The Meaning of Life? -- you don't have a bad ticker, do you?'

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

Govt. UK led by Seance

"'CPD'...stuff and nonsense, the old ways are fine for me, now pass me a hammer. I need to put this patient out!"

'I hope you all appreciate the irony in this.'

"We probably need to rethink our revenue strategy for the practice."

"This is a teaching hospital."

GPs could be forced to switch IT systems onto new NHS digital contract

"Well, Mr Eagle, coming to see me is the first positive step to get you to soar again..."

Mrs. Tree? A hockey ball hit your daughter. It's likely just a bad bruise. Whew! Though there could be a fracture, nerve damage or fatal blood clots. What? Don't worry. Our medical advisor is evaluating Twig right now. Can you sign this liability waiver? Her hand seems fine. Team lawyer.

Consortia set to take over

Charlie's medical advice always went in one ear and out the other.

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

"Well TECHNICALLY he might be DEAD, but accordinh to the hospital's new patient satisfaction metrics he's pretty damned pleased about it."

Med School Mascots.

"Pay attention, 'switch it off switch it on again' does not apply to the life support machines."

"Mrs. Barnes is to have a complete head-to-toe – she's to be the victim in a bandage-instruction class."

"To be honest, most of our work involves reassuring patients until nature cures them..."

'You're clearly not well, just keep taking these until we run out of them.'