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Water-main break - "Very serious." - The Times

'It's 10 PM - do you know where your co - dependant is?'

"Actually, we will replace you."

Next on Fox! Clowns Without Makeup.

'Bad enough they always ask what the worst case scenario is. Must they always look so damned happy asking it?'

Man sees 'chatline' advert on television.

"And just like that, e got rid of Florida."

"And when the canyon fills up, that's it; herd immunity."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"If we only used bigger clubs we would defeat our enemies every time, and we would dominate them forever!"

reincarnated worm...

The height of fashion in 1796

Needed Inventions: An Airbag To Protect The Viewer Against A Really Lousy Program.

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

"I don't like the looks of that!"

"We don't care about his nose. We won't let him play because he's not vaccinated and won't wear a mask!"

'The world already ended, but the government hushed it up.'

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"We're suing you under equal opportunities legislation for failure to represent our rights"

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

'You earned this corner office by cutting corners...'

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

'Okay, found you. Now let's open the 'Review' link...'

Meat Grinder

"Mom, does the Russian borscht you made for dinner give me foreign-policy experience?"

Turkish Democracy

"I thought there would be bacon here."