Measurement Maestro Gifts

"You're right -- this town is big enough for the both of us."

'Uh oh, I measured the lumber in feet, but you measured it in metric.'

"The hardest to convert are inches to centimeters."

"It kind of puts it all in perspective, doesn't it?"

Scales

"Our detractors call it suburban sprawl, but I prefer thinking of our plan as 'sustainable over-development!'"

"I guess someone got up on the wrong side of the podium today."

'Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking...'

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"Build it 300 cubits long? I thought you said centimetres!"

"Welcome back to the We Were Bored and Had Nothing Else To Do podcast."

'Now listen: Based on the position of the kennel and the length of the leash, only the shaded part of the garden is dangerous...'

"Lucky Guess."

"Well, here's your problem. You need an O right there."

Comedy, Tragedy, Karaoke

The Four Tops in Concert

Sir Patrick Moore.

Hip-hop cops on stage.

"And up ahead is a place called, 'portage'."

'Oh, I dunno. hat would you like to evolve into?'

'And if it ain't baroque, don't fix it.'

"I think she marked yours in blue pen because she used up all her red on mine."

IRS tax instructions.

"I think I'm lost."

"I seem to have forgotten what I was going to say...please...hold the applause!"

"Afterward, there will be a short Q. and A. that will be just long enough for one person to take up too much of it."

"Bacteria are fascinating. They multiply by dividing."

Turn around at the next junction, turn around now! Turn around immediately - you've forgotten your handbags!

"Kind of makes your feel large and significant, doesn't it?"

"O.K., but what I'm about to tell you does not leave this news cycle."

The Poet.

Due to obsessive and intrusive attention by the Media, this news conference will be cancelled

Cubits? Haven't You gone metric yet?

Recording Studio

Elwood 'I Can Fix This Myself' McGrunzen