Meal Decision Connoisseur T-Shirts

"You didn't say 'excellent choice' when I ordered! What did I do wrong?"

"Uh-oh. My inner GPS is recalculating."

'Would you care to see our wine list, water list, soda list, tea list, coffee list, single malt scotch list, or beer list?'

"That's a plain burger and black coffee? But what kind of plain burger and what kind of black coffee?"

"Quick swig first?"

"May I take your plate or are you still nibbling?"

"I think I'll have the fish. No, wait... yes, the fish." "So many choices... what is a Reuben? Never mind, I'll have the fish, too." "I always get the same thing, but it's so good. Alright, I'll have the fish."

'Thank you waiter - my wife's the rabbit.'

'Our businessman's special includes fortune cookies filled with stock tips'

"Both the wine and I need to breathe, Albert."

The Aisle

'I can't have you spending all of your money on fancy restaurants like this, Jeff.'

"Didn't I say you'd be the only man not wearing a bow tie?"

'They're not mints - they're antacid tablets.'

"Seat yourself. Grab a menu. Take any table. Hey, you know how to cook?"

'The bouquet is reminiscent of rubber nose - but then, it always is...'

"Would you like to see a dessert menu or do you not need a little treat after each meal?"

The Waiter

'It's beans OR toast, not beans ON toast.'

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

'In case of emergency, break glass.'

WAITING ROOM

"Got anything not so close to the kitchen?"

"Let's make the bill easy and just split it."

'. . . the Winter of Discontent Soup, Arab Spring Roll, Summer Madness Salad and The Season of Mellow Mists Fruit Medley.'

"Still workin' on that, sir?"

"This wine is CORKED!"

"Ça suffit, good buddy!"

Einstein tests his pasta-antipasto theory.

"Would you like to see the wine list?"

'Don't overdo the mustard, sir -- we're trying to control costs around here.'

'I'm required to tell you that the wine you chose will be brought to you table in a jug.'

"Compliments to the chef. It really is superbly cooked!"

"The first bottle sounds perfect...but the other bottle has such a pretty label!"

'Your trouble is that you don't appreciate good food.'