Master Of Misfortune Pillows

'My wife left me, my son's flunked out of college, my daughter's living with a rock band and I have athele's foot, high blood pressure and you're complaining about a lousy toaster!'

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"We were able to retire 6 years early by canceling cable & eliminating anything fun."

"Have you been eating the paste again, Todd?"

Man's cooking explodes.

Kiss the Commander in Chef

Houdini's infancy.

DIY expert.

For the third time that week somebody had super-glued the manager to his seat. It was great for team morale.

"Who would've thought Ms. Marcus had so little sense of humor?"

The Wheel of Life

'How'd you get out of time-out??. . . Dude, if you do the crime, you do the time.'

"You will be pleased to know that the children said sorry!"

Magician conjures up a crocodile and is chased by it

'This is Jake. I'm not in now, so please leave a message...HELLO! HELLO! This is Jake! Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm just mesin' with you! I'm still NOT in!'

'Andy, I want you to put on this clown outfit and hand out balloons today.'

"Nothing in my hat. Nothing up my sleeve. And as of right now, ladies and gentlemen, nothing at all left in my goddamn portfolio."

"...and remember, son - every now and then, refuse to eat your dinner no matter how good it looks or how hungry you are. It drives the dumb humans crazy!"

"Thank goodness! I thought that day would never end!"

'As a baby sitter, you shouldn't think of me as a bratty kid...think of me as a jobs creator!'

I'm sure it's here somewhere!

'I got caught cribbing from Charley Jones' laptop!'

Goldfish Practical Joke: 'Flush me!'

Kate's Evil Plan: 'I convinced her that good behavior is a stealth tactic that'll help her reach her goal to one day rule the world.'

The art of welching.

'OK, OK, you got me. YOu just couldn't let it go, could you.'

'I think you mean my alleged pranks in class.'

"Careful - it's full of lies."

"As for you, Cheetah, I don't want any of your monkey business!"

'When I said 'I'm breaking out,' I meant that the food here is messing with my acne.'

'National hug your mom day!'

Heyyy... where's mine?

'Get him, Jimmy!'