Master Of Misfortune Pillows

'My wife left me, my son's flunked out of college, my daughter's living with a rock band and I have athele's foot, high blood pressure and you're complaining about a lousy toaster!'

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"We were able to retire 6 years early by canceling cable & eliminating anything fun."

"Have you been eating the paste again, Todd?"

Man's cooking explodes.

Kiss the Commander in Chef

"Don't worry about it now, but I'll need that hook back when you're done."

Houdini's infancy.

"Who would've thought Ms. Marcus had so little sense of humor?"

DIY expert.

For the third time that week somebody had super-glued the manager to his seat. It was great for team morale.

The Wheel of Life

"You will be pleased to know that the children said sorry!"

'How'd you get out of time-out??. . . Dude, if you do the crime, you do the time.'

Magician conjures up a crocodile and is chased by it

'This is Jake. I'm not in now, so please leave a message...HELLO! HELLO! This is Jake! Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm just mesin' with you! I'm still NOT in!'

"Nothing in my hat. Nothing up my sleeve. And as of right now, ladies and gentlemen, nothing at all left in my goddamn portfolio."

'Andy, I want you to put on this clown outfit and hand out balloons today.'

"Thank goodness! I thought that day would never end!"

"...and remember, son - every now and then, refuse to eat your dinner no matter how good it looks or how hungry you are. It drives the dumb humans crazy!"

'As a baby sitter, you shouldn't think of me as a bratty kid...think of me as a jobs creator!'

I'm sure it's here somewhere!

"As for you, Cheetah, I don't want any of your monkey business!"

'I think you mean my alleged pranks in class.'

'I got caught cribbing from Charley Jones' laptop!'

"Careful - it's full of lies."

'OK, OK, you got me. YOu just couldn't let it go, could you.'

The art of welching.

Kate's Evil Plan: 'I convinced her that good behavior is a stealth tactic that'll help her reach her goal to one day rule the world.'

Goldfish Practical Joke: 'Flush me!'

'When I said 'I'm breaking out,' I meant that the food here is messing with my acne.'

'How come Zorro's mother let him draw on walls.'

Heyyy... where's mine?

'What a lousy day! The computer, the car, and my stock portfolio all crashed.'

'Get him, Jimmy!'