Marriage Realists Pillows

'Your parents wrote this prenup stating you two will stay together at least long enough to justify your costly wedding.'

'My Wife is an Angel!'

'She'll sign that prenuptial if he'll sign this postnuptial agreement.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'Oh my God. I love it!'

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

"You owe me five bucks."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"...until death do you a favor."

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

Marriage least expected to last...

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"The Gross National Product and the Gross Domestic Product are doing okay. It's the Gross Domestic Mojo that's going down the toilet."

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

A cartoonist at the doctor, in yoga, at home and in therapy

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

"Very Presidential."

Girl who can't cook meets guy who can't fix stuff.

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"Yes, I realize you're always available, too, but I prefer the cloud."

"You cheap shit! Why can't we have a designer divorce?"