Marriage Maven Pillows

An old woman measuring the decreasing height of an old man using a height chart

"And your wife called to remind you not to have sex with anyone on your way home."

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

'Something very unexpected happened on my wedding anniversary yesterday.' 'What?' 'I was still married.'

'There are just some things I'd rather not say in front of the dog.'

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

"We've been happily married for five years. Next week we celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary."

"It's my attorney. Have you seen my list of things about you that drive me crazy?"

"Your honour, my client will agree to the divorce provided she can continue living happily with his money."

'Admit it! -- You only married me for my money!'

"The trouble is, he's a lousy lover!" "How can you tell in three minutes?"

'All he wants is sex, sex, sex!'

'Admit it - you only want a separation to give you time to hide your money!'

"You should be happy. How many husbands even notice window treatments?"

'I'm not watching anything. I'm listening to my wife.'

"I'll kill you if you crack your knuckles again."

"Do you realise, Bernard, that in sixty-five years you've never once called me babe?"

'If I were you I'd poison the bastard!'

"I've been married to this husband for five years. In another year I'll be vested."

"I made a killing on the stock market, then my wife made a killing on me!"

"I thought something was funny on our wedding night, I took off my dress, and he put it on."

'Dear, your ego is stepping on my shoes again.'

'We've been married one year, Roxie...it just seems like seven.'

Brides are wearing their dresses shorter... And more often!

'Everytime I suck my stomach in my pants fall down.'

'Are you whistling at me or for me?'

'I see your town's got a marriage simulator.'

For better or for worse till debt do you part...

Marriage Guidance for Beginners.

'You're docile enough alright, but I don't like how you grind your teeth while you sleep!'

"I'd like to take our marriage to the next level, Divorce."

"My wife doesn't understand me, especially when she gets wind of situations like this."

50 Billion Shades Of Grey

From marriage, straight to the counselor.

"Damn it, Gwendolyn, you know when you married me I only moved one square at a time."