Marriage Assessment Pillows

'Oh dear. My husband looks suspicious.'

"The way he stacks those blocks, I see repression, some hostility, and a lot of dissatisfaction with his place in society."

'Okay.. what the hell.'

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"What's going on Jen? Why didn't you respond to my kissing emoji?"

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"I traded his corncob pipe and his button nose for a buttoned lip, and things couldn't be better."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

Wanna talk about it?

"Well if it doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong, why don't I be right and you be wrong?"

"Will the role of wife call for any nudity?"

"Well, it's the same old story, we just don't squark anymore."

"You're absolutely sure my wife won't be able to find this?"

"I will refute my wife's allegations that I'm a work obsessed pedant with the aid of a slideshow presentation."

"You took a vow of poverty, celibacy and silence. But aren't they the marriage vows."

"Randy the love doctor, what ails you, brother?" "My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony." "But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike?" "Of course." "That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all." "Exactly. ...Wait, what do you mean by that?"

"It's not what you think."

"You just said, ‘And then I killed my first and second husbands.’ ... Let's explore that."

"He just married me on the rebound."

'Your wife doesn't understand you. . .'

'We're past the 'romantic' phase and into the 'living hell' phase.'

"Doc, she and I just don't understand each other any more...it's like we have different operating systems!"

'The only reason she keeps me is to rub out her bed wrinkles.'

'Do try and look intelligent-here comes my first husband...'

'That's not true, I do listen. I'm just not very interested.'

"If you've been affected by any issues raised during our love-making there's a number you can call."

"Honey, I'm home."

'Will these glasses help him see things my way?'

'I understand your reluctance to speak but your marriage is in a rut and your wife needs your input.'

'It's nothing serious. My wife and I just had a little tiff.' (Marriage counselor covered in bruises, cuts and bandages).

"I had a hell a time choosing which wine went with your unrealistic expectation of me."

'If she's that upset about the football match we're playing in this afternoon, what's she going to be like when she hears about the darts match this evening?'

"Even after all these years, I still find it very exciting using my vote to cancel out your father's."

'He always leads with his chin! Is that my fault?'

As an experienced counsellor, she could see that their relationship had been doomed from the start.