Market Timing Mystics Pillows

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

Manufacturing will take place in China...So what role does Europe have?...you borrow money to be the customer

'Now let's proceed downstairs and see where our stock shares presently sits,'

'Some think we economic forecasters speak a lot of Mumbo Jumbo'

'Was it Nietzsche who said, whatever doesn't kill your portfolio makes it stronger?'

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

'There's no correlation to stock prices. It's just a 'feel good' graph.'

'Just this once, but I want a piece of the action.'

'I'm being denied access to the Warren Buffett within me.'

'Stock Market re-entry now safe. . . City analysts say.'

"This investment will make a pile of money. Of course, a good question is 'for whom?'"

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

"I meant 'go and make disciples' after the sermon, Bob."

'Making a profit was a lot easier before so many countries abandoned socialism and started competing!'

'George has us well diversified. We own every stock in the Misfortune 500.'

"'Buy low, sell high', is all I've figured out so far. Now go away"

"Remember, we must project the illusion that our main responsibility is to our stockholders."

'The Dow is going up, the Dow is going down, the Dow is...'

'Since stocks are so wacko now,I'm advising clients to go with their lucky numbers on lotto tickets.'

'I'm making a lot fewer trading mistakes these days. I don't start until 10 minutes before the close.'

You need to transfer your fear of the falling stock market into a healthy activity. Try skydiving.

'Good news! The stock market is about to explode upwards on . . .'

"The stock market hit 50,000 and everyone lived happily ever after."

'He'll give you the wine order in 20 minutes. It's one of the drawbacks of watching delayed stock quotes all day.'

'Charles, I want you to meet Joel. You have lots in common. He also thinks he knows how to time the market.'

"For clients with an extremely low risk tolerance, I recommend they talk to someone with a ground-floor office."

'Having investment jitters when the market is not experiencing jitters, is perfectly normal.'

'Our new client wants to invest in high risk stocks, book my usual seat at the craps table.'

The worst is over...the worst is yet to come.

'I' believe this fund's prospectus more if it didn't start out 'once upon a time'.'

'What do you see in gold futures.'

"September can be a bad month for buying stocks...other bad months for buying stocks can be October, November, December, January, February, March, April, May, June, July and August."

'When I said I wanted to retire and get away from it all, I didn't mean al of my money.'

For all the good our stockbroker's advice has been, we might as well cut him out as middleman and manage the money ourselves.