Market Mystic Gifts

"Have you considered short-term treasurys?"

'We're expecting stocks to rally but we don't know which ones and when.'

"There's a lot of uncertainty out there these days. Or not. Who knows?"

Today stocks fell on news that no one really has a clue why stocks rise and fall.

'I'm a 100% consistent investor. I buy bonds when I should buy stocks when I should buy bonds.'

"And, if our projections are correct, trend A should collide with trend B, and both will vanish without a trace."

'The crystal ball says to buy and the 8-Ball says to sell.'

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

Man sees 'Palm Readings and Stock Projections' business window

Palm reading and stock projections.

'Your shares are doing well... No wait, they're falling, no they're rising, no falling and rising...'

"I once had a firm foothold in reality, but I found that it seriously undermined my ability to function as a financial market analyst."

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

'Buy on the dips, Dip!'

'Stocks are yin, bonds are yang. But I could be totally wrong. Maybe bonds are yin, stocks are yang.'

"It's not a map of our new oil drilling sites--it's our stock price."

Melissa's Mark Prediction Service

'The share market fell today because a Blue Wren was spotted.'

Stock investor begs for lost money.

'It's not what you buy. It's when you buy.'

'Investment advice? Sure...whatever goes up must come down.'

'It's the part of capitalism I don't like. What goes up must also go down.'

The church of our lady of wall street.

Davos Security

Dow 40,000? Come in and check it out!

Businessmen trying to prop up a line-chart with sticks

It's okay Mom! As a broker, I'm under supervision of the SEC!

"I'm not telling you to stay. I'm talking to the stock market."

"Ed and Helen's portfolio rose 3 point today on Dave's purchase of 100 shares..."

"For details on the bear market, here's a bear..."

"Genius is 1% inspiration, 99% budget allocation."

We need to put more money into Lithuanian sardine futures...I think that warrants bonuses all around!

Dow Jones drop

"Apparently over 50% of people never look at their pension plans!"

His temperature appears to rise and fall with the FT index