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'These days my approach is to start with the Booker Prize acceptance speech and work backwards...'

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"Do me next."

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

"I've given up on the novel. There's more money in writing inspirational memes."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

Editor.

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'Thank god for the spellchecker!'

"Can you rewrite this in 3-D?"

Publisher to writer: 'It was a great read, except I collided with run-on sentences, tripped over broken English and got knocked about by a dangling participle.'

"We do not usually acknowledge unsolicited manuscripts, but we want you to know that we tore yours into tiny pieces. Yours sincerely, The Op-Ed Page."

Man has thrown his computer aside and is writing on a typewriter.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"No wonder you can't write, you're not plugged in!"

Colin kept a notebook by his bed to write down any ideas he had during the night... "Genulph hyu donkey slapperthwaite."

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

Proceedings of the club

"We'll publish your book, doctor, but we'll have to get a second opinion."

'It's a slice of life...I cut a long story short.'

"I didn't want this book to end, so I stopped reading it midway."

"See, that's the problem with you new breed. You take rejection too personally."

"I'm in here, rereading the great poets, myself among them."

'Your new book is full of mistakes: the critics will have a field day.'

"Right here is where you lost the narrative flow."

'Thank you for your submission. If we're interested, we'll be in touch.'

'You will write a book, but it won't be on Oprah's recommended list.'

"They have a wonderful author-editor relationship."

"Here it is - my novel. I'll be interested to hear your compliments."