Machine Gun Collector (humor) Pillows

'Just relax, gorillas are not aggressive.'

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'Me, I don't spend my pocket money: I hoard it...'

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

'Bert's dog training.'

'RUN FOR COVER!!!!! It's another one of those 'Baby Showers'!!!

A 'Falling Rock' and a 'Deer Crossing' zone.

"Eat me"

"Do we have to go to the beach? I think the airline mixed up my luggage."

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

Cake Free Zone

A golden Big Boy holding a plate of poop

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

"Whoa. Someone needs their diaper changed."

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

"Fantastic! Do you realize what we've just stumbled upon? It's the fabled Lost Glove Compartment of the Ancient Astronauts!"

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

'I've just discovered that one of my ancestors was a Security Goose for the Roman Army...'

A watch face with Stonehenge

Man falls in water Title: 'Willis was always an overachiever.'

'Why would anyone order a pint of stoat?'

The Tale of the Tape of the Tail.

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

Mulching Vacuum Cleaner

Whatís that, boy? Youíre too tired for a walk and you just want to watch TV?

"I'm excited to get fixed at the vet, had no idea I was broken."

'Forget worms. Think fast food.'

Bathroom Fairy

Vanna White: The Later Years.

'You've got the wrong idiot, number.'

Clown to clown on unicycle: 'How does it corner?'