Maître D' Pillows

"Smoking or nonsmoking?"

Oh but this is a theme restaurant. Our theme is keeping people like you out.

"It's an extra $2.00 if you want a candle with a wick."

A restaurant with a "Main Dining Room" and a "Room for Dessert".

Maitre d' to astronaut couple entering restaurant: 'Gravity or no-gravity?'

"Sorry, sire, could it be under another name?"

'He said it could be about 45 minutes, due to the global economic slowdown.'

'No tables are available at this time. Would you be interested in take-out?'

Long cork screw.

"Would Sir like that with salad, bread or bad humour"

'Could you hurry up on that order for table five? -- they're holding the maitre d' hostage.'

'Welcome! Seat yourselves! Know how to cook?'

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

'Believe it or not you're our greatest liability Jones!'

"Ah, Senator! A table or will you be eating from the trough this evening?"

"I know you've been waiting a long time, but the Pearls were here before you."

"Sorry, sir, our smoking section is out in the parking lot. We'll be happy to serve you out there."

"Unfortunately, Andre, our four-star chef, is out taping his sundicated cooking show this evening and sends his regrets. However, he hopes you'll catch 'Gourmet Cooking with Andre' locally on channel five at 11:30 Saturday mornings starting September 16th. May I take your order, sir?"

No Flash Photography of Meals

"Sorry sir, no mask, no shoes, no service."

"Places, everybody!"

"A table in Siberia, please."

"If you folks can give me a couple minutes, I do believe a table’s opening up."

"I’ll have something for you as soon as Table Seven sees the entrée prices."

"Molting or non molting?"

"No ma'am...we don't make reservations...'The Serengeti' has always been first come, first serve."

"Is the slop fresh?"

'Could you hurry up on that order for table five? -- they're holding the maitre d' hostage.'

"Relax―all I want is a good table."

'Believe it or not you're our greatest liability Jones!'

Party of two? No, it was quite a large party.

'Smoking or non-smoking?'

'Do you have a reservation?'

"I don't care if you are the invisible man, sir, I can't let you in if you're not wearing a tie!"

'These hors d'oeuvres are real slop, and I mean that in the best sense.'