Lovers Of Wit T-Shirts

"It's the best work you've ever done. Still pretty awful."

'I'm afraid the x-rays indicate you're just a bit too full of yourself.'

'Commons Bar' - "I would never vote to bring back flogging...why should criminals get for free what MP's have to pay for?"

"He's been talking to that cat again!"

Dickens & Tolstoy Walk into a Bar: " . . . so, to make a short story long . . . "

'I've got no problem with December, but what do I blog about the rest of the year?'

Government Offices / In tray, No Exit tray.

I thought I was proposing to Sally, but evidently I was challenging her to a twenty year series of debates.

Jack in the box on strike.

'If you must know, yes, I do sometimes fake purring.'

"We're to stop talking about 'budget cuts'. Apparently it's depressing for staff and clients..."

"Do you think Trump has read 'Contemporary Relativism and the Death of Meaning'?"

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'I'm calling this a plate and I already have service for six. Six more and I can invent the dinner party.'

Professor Ernie's history of philosophy. Rene Descartes had a difficult childhood. I think, therefore I am! I know you are, but what am I?!

Dear Diary, 36 weeks on this island and I'm starting to feel that I'll never get rescued."

"Hang on a tick, lads, what have we here?"

'This pie chart clearly demonstrates the distain with which most people regard pie charts.'

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

"Returns"

Clancy: Extending Overdrafts

" ... and this is my wife - I'm legally obligated to tell you that."

You're Out Of Order

"From where I'm sitting, ha-ha, you're behind bars!"

'The secret of life has been unknowable ever since we assigned it to a committee.'

Jackson Pollock's short-lived career as a kid's party face painter.

Watch Your Step

"Stop calling everything Kafka-esque

"By the time we can marry in all fifty states, we'll probably be divorced."

"I love you the way the French love Jerry Lewis."

'You've a broken lamp and your underlay's dangerously worn.'

'Need anything today?'

"Just think of it, Charles – yesterday I was a caterpillar, and tomorrow I'll be dead."

G.K. Chesterton.

'Good news, I've just booked our holiday, it's two weeks in a caravan in Wales.'