Love Skeptics Anonymous Pillows

"I was an incurable romantic until I met Martha's divorce lawyer."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

Life is for the birds.

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"Till death us do part? Don't be so bloody morbid!"

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

"I thought he was into fitness, but his 'fitness tracker' turned out to be a flea and tick collar."

Cupid misses his shot.

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

'Would you like to come in for a rejection?'

"It's a beautiful ring. She'll definitely pause for a moment before saying no."

'Love gets the credit, but business makes the world go round.'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

'You remind me of my ex-ex-ex.'

'Are you ready to get hurt again?'

'I can't believe she married the prince after only one date.'

"I never get a girls name tattooed on a first date."

Yes, but.

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

Cupid's Valentine

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

"Oh, you were on automatic pilot? And what about her? Was she on automatic pilot, too?"

"I tolerate you too. With all my heart."

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

"I'm sorry, Brad, but I'm saving eye-contact for that special someone."

"If only I liked you a little more and you liked like me a little less."