Love Counselor T-Shirts

"Let's stop this before we both say a lot of things we mean."

'Denise, I can read you like a book. Something's bothering you isn't it?'

'Sorry to interrupt, but this is our sixth session and that's your third notepad. When do I get to say something?'

'There, there, dear -- they're all alike.'

"Your wife called again about that thing called love - I said you were dealing with it."

'Progress of a bookshelf'

"No, no - it was great. It's just that sometime I'd like to try it missionary style."

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

Relationship Warning Lights

"You've changed."

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"When I ask questions, I expect answers!"

"I love it when we clear up issues between us."

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"Will you listen to the same three anecdotes until one of you dies?"

She - Interpreter - He.

"We hope seeing a marriage counselor maybe could make one of us less stubborn!"

"What I’ve learned is you have to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, ‘What is it that she really wants to hear?’"

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

"How do I love thee….? Let me count the ways…" "I'm going to want a recount."

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

"I don’t know how many ways I can explain it. One morning you’ll just wake up and know that you’re in love."

What Guys Say and What They Mean,

"Look - I'm cold, you're cold. Why don't we settle down and start a family?"

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

'...till death, or a really huge argument over ringtones, do you part.'

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

"Now look, Frank, Molly, there's nothing wrong with a Polar Bear and a Penguin being in a relationship. In fact, in my experience, Polar opposites attract!"

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.