Loss Of Custody Pillows

"I've lost the house, my 401 K and custody of the kids, but I've kept my composure."

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

'It's okay - he knows how to use the GPS.'

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

Remember my mum? I took that photo a week before she died. There's one of me...that was a good haircut.

Wine of the Day Club

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

'He doesn't talk to me anymore.'

"You got custody of us, mommy, because you're the very best attorney picker."

Lost Property - Missing Head

"Although the estate will be distributed equally, your father wanted you all to know that Keith was his favorite, followed by..."

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the audio equipment.'

Widow shows a portrait of herself

'He must not have been an easy man to care for. He always had an iron will. Which brings us to what he left you.'

'As you know, your father liked the sport of Boxing...'

'I'm afraid your child support payments will be quite substantial.'

''Honor thy father and thy mother'? -- What about custody disputes?'

'I'll relinquish most of my visitation rights if you'll just let Katie come over once in awhile to program my appliances.'

"The custody battle could go on for months, and cost you a small fortune. Why don't you just buy yourself ANOTHER dog?"

"As per your father's wishes, the reading of the will shall be preceded by a tight five-minute comedy set inspired by my dating life -- or lack thereof!"

"I could never leave this place—this is where I grew up."

'Guess what? The judge awarded ME custody in today's two child custody cases!'

"Your mother wanted you to have this for good luck. It's her foot."

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

'It would have been easier to prove your father was of sound mind when he wrote this will if he hadn't written it on the headed notepaper of the psychiatric hospital in which he'd been sectioned.'

'I got custody of the kids.'

Tug of war.

"It's gonna be tough trying to fill your pa's boots, Jake."

Hello again, Marlene...they're letting me commute."

Guardianship of minors

"I'm sorry, Jim. Due to a paperwork error, you now have custody of my kids."