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At the rock concert...

“Look! We’re on the naked cam!”

'Howard can't come to the phone now. He's standing by for a major concert announcement.'

Roadie Rage

"All the atmosphere of 'Henman Hill', but without the travel costs!"

'Nothing beats seeing your favourite band play live.'

'Yo, Danny! The pitcher's complaining about the crowd noise. Turn it down!'

'He's gone into Olympic update overload!'

Ticket Agencies...

"I miss the smell of beer and sweat in over-packed arenas."

"Well, looks like people filming at gigs got too much for Kenneth."

Glastonbury. After.

"M'lady, we’ve reached peak Brooklyn."

Zombie standup

Pete Townshend Vineyards

"Here's another one written in E minor and in case you haven't guessed by now, it's the only chord I know."

'It's good - but it's not digital quality.'

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

Anna Calvi

"This next one's another oldie."

"Woke up this morning, someone had nicked my guitar..."

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

Famous Jewish Blues Singer Series.

Applause

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."

Theatre Crowd

"Can you speak up: there's a bloody racket going on in the background."

'Look behind you. . . Just kidding.'

Chano Pozo,

"We have a song, but neither of us can remember it."

"Free Bird!"

"We're gonna entertain you for exactly the next 30 minutes."

Eric Clapton.

Steve Howe.