Literary Skeptic Pillows

'I'm looking for the book that tells how to be less materialistic without actually giving up any stuff!'

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"Of course it's alien abductions! How else would you explain the, 'November Phenomenon'?"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'Sorry, Marx, but your writing ability doesn't meet our needs.'

"God works in mysterious ways."

'This book thing, Mum, where do I plug it in?'

"Frankenstein? Isn't the story of a being made from the parts of others a little far-fetched?" "I find it very believable."

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

In a career limiting move, Reginald decided to give Albert's latest theory some frank and fearless feedback.

'I can't believe she married the prince after only one date.'

"I never get a girls name tattooed on a first date."

'Studies show that most boys my age don't like to read. Who am I to tamper with statistics?'

"I never knew what love was until you came along and explained it to me."

"He's falsified data, he's falsified results...and now he says he loves me."

Doing Something About the Weather

"You have zero empathy, Carlton. And I can't even begin to imagine what that's like."

'I don't know, Randy - Marriage is so INTRUSIVE.'

"And you're telling me this because?"

'And don't say you could have done it cheaper and better at home.'

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..."

"Huh! Never a miracle vaccine when you want one - then three come along at the same time - bloody typical!"

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

"When I die, I want to come back at anything except a book of short stories."

"Not on my watch..."

"I lied in my ad. I hate Wallace Stevens."

"He's the guy I'm interested in. He's just not the kind of guy I'm interested in."

"I've never been what you'd call an 'ethics head.' "

'I didn't know our relationship was SUPPOSED to be going anywhere.'

"My gut instinct was to say yes. . . but years in social work have shown me how these things end up working out."

'I just don't want to get hurt.'

"Finally - my dating app just launched a 'Why am I seeing this loser?' feature."

Two sea otters with smartphones

"And where exactly is Timbuktu?"