Literary Skeptic T-Shirts

'I'm looking for the book that tells how to be less materialistic without actually giving up any stuff!'

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'Sorry, Marx, but your writing ability doesn't meet our needs.'

"God works in mysterious ways."

'This book thing, Mum, where do I plug it in?'

"I never get a girls name tattooed on a first date."

'I can't believe she married the prince after only one date.'

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

In a career limiting move, Reginald decided to give Albert's latest theory some frank and fearless feedback.

"Frankenstein? Isn't the story of a being made from the parts of others a little far-fetched?" "I find it very believable."

'Studies show that most boys my age don't like to read. Who am I to tamper with statistics?'

"I never knew what love was until you came along and explained it to me."

'I don't know, Randy - Marriage is so INTRUSIVE.'

"He's falsified data, he's falsified results...and now he says he loves me."

"And you're telling me this because?"

"You have zero empathy, Carlton. And I can't even begin to imagine what that's like."

'And don't say you could have done it cheaper and better at home.'

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..."

"Huh! Never a miracle vaccine when you want one - then three come along at the same time - bloody typical!"

"Not on my watch..."

"When I die, I want to come back at anything except a book of short stories."

'I just don't want to get hurt.'

"What do the know!"

"I've never been what you'd call an 'ethics head.' "

'I didn't know our relationship was SUPPOSED to be going anywhere.'

"I lied in my ad. I hate Wallace Stevens."

Two sea otters with smartphones

"My gut instinct was to say yes. . . but years in social work have shown me how these things end up working out."

"Finally - my dating app just launched a 'Why am I seeing this loser?' feature."

Alternative Accountants

"He's the guy I'm interested in. He's just not the kind of guy I'm interested in."