Linguistic Ninja Pillows

Son, there are two kinds of people in this world: Those who are good at math, those who are good at English and those who ain't good at neither.

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

Polly txt speak

What's normal?

"If Google Translate is correct, they want our women and our cattle."

Wordplay: In The Bag.

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"I'm eating baklava through my balaclava!"

'I hope you ain't got no tax up here!'

"Darn autocorrect!"

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

Sign that says 'This is not a sign.'

Malaprop Man! Adventures. Malaprop Man! Where have you been? At a stupor her comet confection! Did many of your fellow heroes show up? We had a great turnabout! Backman and the Incredible Bulk were there! So was Caption Americ, the Flush, Wander Woman and Plasterman! Very impressive. Who was the most popular with the fans? I think I was the main distraction! I have no doubt at all about that!

"My nephew Jack here can say ‘I’m unemployed’ in seven languages."

'The meaning of life? sorry, I can only answer 'true or false' questions.'

A man looking into a mirror saying "HA!"; his reflection looking back at him from the mirror is saying "!AH".

'It's not scatting if they're under age two.'

'What does coincide mean?' 'It's what you do when it starts to rain.'

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

Language purists bring correctness to a whole new level, forcing a name change for Ireland's most famous band.

Bull Pen

Supermarket: Leafs, Rail Leafs

We pay the maximum minimum wage.

'Send in the next applicant Ms Jones.'

How Romans give each other a high five...

"Why do they keep all these words in the dictionary? I mean, who's going to look up 'dog'?"

Holy Mackerel

'Oh, and if you really want this job, there's one thing you shouldn't mention.'

'This test will determinbe which of you gets the position. Who wants to jump first?'

"This position requires someone with a thick skin... Well, do you think you're up to the job, big nose?"

Succeed

'A frore basenji was mistaken for a stabile.'

"I think I've eaten something that hasn't agreed with me."

Primate Speech Institute. He's learned to talk, but all he'll talk about is the price of bananas.

Beware of Doug