Linguistic Laugher Pillows

'I'll keep my remarks brief.'

I was talking about running your credit card through the machine when I said "strip down."

'I asked for alphabet soup.' 'This is morse code soup.'

"It's a swearbox."

Alas poor Daisy, I knew her well!

"And when you realized it was the wrong tree, why do you think you kept barking up it?"

"I said to make a thousand CLONES."

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

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'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

"My mom got it on. She said you'd get it off."

'That was so funny. I haven't booed that loudly in years.'

"Wait!"

"What?"

"It was a typical 'His lawyer said/Her lawyer said' situation."

"Pansexual"

'...And zap him quick, before that bleeding-heart Governor gets back from vacation.'

"It's okay. That's just adult-speak for hot dogs."

Decision on the flip of a coin...

"I'm certain you're fine, but my attorney would like to see you naked."

"Fred, no one is going to bother you here. Put away the Bare Spray."

"I take it the defense rests."

"I'm bad with languages. The only foreign sounding phrase I know is crack-a-brewski."

"The ad was a typo. We're looking for an expert in fingerprinting...not finger painting."

Hospitalized intellectuals are ill-literates.

"I don't care how it's pronounced, I want it."

'ARRGH! Run for it lady!' 'A swarm of Bs!!' A guy running away from a swarm of the actual letter B

The Gingerbread Man's cousin, the hash cookie man.

"Horse-drawn carriage."

"Incentivize me with a paradigm of mesculin greens and grilled chicken."

Canadian Importers - In, Oot.

Grammar. I really wasn't trying to be a wise guy. The teacher asked if anybody could give an example of a conditional phrase, and I said "If you pay me." (Published originally on Nov. 6, 2014.)

'Are you willing to carry a chip on your shoulder.'