Laughing Linguists Pillows

"My mom got it on. She said you'd get it off."

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Torturing the English Language

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"I'm eating baklava through my balaclava!"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"It's a swearbox."

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

Psychiatry. I have an irrational fear of words like "and," "or," "but" and "if"! And, conjunctivitis!

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

An English and French student converse.

"I think I've eaten something that hasn't agreed with me."

Artichoking victim

Heart To Heart

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'I'll keep my remarks brief.'

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

'Try hitting him harder.' 'Is that all you have to say?' 'Try hitting him harder, PLEASE.'

"Pansexual"

"What?"

"It's okay. That's just adult-speak for hot dogs."

Hospitalized intellectuals are ill-literates.

A day in the life of a serial mis-pronouncer.

Bomb Pronouns

'Turner don't use that expression 'Pie int he sky' its sounds ridiculous and don't point!'

"I'm bad with languages. The only foreign sounding phrase I know is crack-a-brewski."

Canal No. 5: Vagrance

Board on Baby

"The nomenclature of 'political correctness' is devisive and opens the profession to ridicule!"

"Fred, no one is going to bother you here. Put away the Bare Spray."

"The ad was a typo. We're looking for an expert in fingerprinting...not finger painting."

Lift

'ARRGH! Run for it lady!' 'A swarm of Bs!!' A guy running away from a swarm of the actual letter B