Literary Laugher Pillows

"I only read half of it."

"I'm going to read you a bedtime story." "But it's midday." "I'm a very slow reader!"

Alas poor Daisy, I knew her well!

"And when you realized it was the wrong tree, why do you think you kept barking up it?"

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

"I said to make a thousand CLONES."

"It's not safe to keep meeting like this."

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

'Oh silly me, I'm trying to fix my glasses with nasel spray instead of super-glue!'

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

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"It's a smart toaster. If you can't figure it out, press the 'Dumb It Down' button."

'That was so funny. I haven't booed that loudly in years.'

"Wait!"

'...And zap him quick, before that bleeding-heart Governor gets back from vacation.'

"It was a typical 'His lawyer said/Her lawyer said' situation."

"Here's the problem. Your computer isn't obsolete, you are."

Decision on the flip of a coin...

'Never go berry pickin' on an empty stomach.'

"I'm certain you're fine, but my attorney would like to see you naked."

"I take it the defense rests."

"I don't care how it's pronounced, I want it."

'ARRGH! Run for it lady!' 'A swarm of Bs!!' A guy running away from a swarm of the actual letter B

The Gingerbread Man's cousin, the hash cookie man.

Astronaut Slips On A Banana Peel

"I did follow my bliss. It wandered around in circles and then ended up at an Arby's in Hoboken."

"We have testimony that you walk like a duck and you quack like a duck. Tell the court - are you a duck?"

Old Mother Hubbard, Went to the Cupboard...'Now what did I come here for?'

"I paid twelve quid for this and it only mentions nine!"

"How am I supposed to guide the sleigh with this mask on?"

Book Burp

'Who's there?'

"You're the only one I know stilling calling people 'Uber' this and 'Uber' that."