Linguistic Jokesters Pillows

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

"But you didn't say they had to make sense - you just told us to write a thousand words a day."

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

Time Table

"I think Baxter needs a break."

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"Tongue twisters! These are hard to say! A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk."

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Practical joke, violent offender rehab center: 'Relate to me!'

'I can't make it, I'm dead.'

'We're all gonna have lovely hangovers in the morning!'