Lighthearted Joker Gifts

"Would you like to make a contribution to the old folks home?" "Sure, when can I bring him in?"

'Dave... Your intimate apparel is showing.'

'He's making preparations for his elderly care.'

'I claim this land for...'

'Hey, who are you calling a Goddam fairy?.. I'm an elf!'

"Things are going well, so I may as well ask: how about those Mets? Ha-ha, just kidding. The tail. Please fix this tail thing."

Lance, why do all of your burps seem to end in a question mark? Because I like a burp to be a conversation starter. And see? It worked!

'Can't we have a valentine party without girls?'

'Excuse me Sir, I seem to have lost my memory.'

'This milk smells funny.'

'E-I-E-I-O, i.e., NO.'

'The house is as you left it, Luv - I'm lodging at the Red Lion.'

'Relax. After a hard day of reaping, I need a cold one

'What's up, I've simply sacrificed my sacrifices for lent.'

"His legs yurn to jello when he wears Relaxed Fit jeans."

"A valiant effort, Mike, but just accept that you're going bald."

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

"April Fools'! You should’ve seen the look on your face!"

"Would you rather get hit by a racket or chewed by a dog?"

Well... Tis the season to be jolly!

'Hey, Baby! How would you like to kiss the frog formerly known as 'Prince'?'

Batman's Baby

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

"I love it when your eyes blaze like that; you remind me of Moses."

'...And do you John take Jennifer to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, to write off on your taxes?'

Well, she certainly is one of our more positive employees!

'When she walks in she lights up the room...' 'It's living next to the nuclear plant.'

Santa's Helpers

'Half o' mild and a bag of pork scratchings - you're grooming me, aren't you?'

"The spare sack? After a million warm beers and pieces of fruit cake...you'd have a spare sack too!"

"I'll give you a big wet kiss.. "

Sunshine and exercise. Are you glad I suggested we go for a walk?

"Harold, stop sucking in your stomach when the girls walk by. You're going to hurt yourself."