Lift-cracking Humorists Pillows

'My name's Jeffrey. Will you be my Valentine?'

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

'And though he died during the hunt, we can only assume that George L Jones would want this new species of butt-faced clown monkey to forever bear his name.'

"Hey samson, nice man bun."

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

Newton discovers surrealism

'Can you make me taste like broccoli?'

"I had money problems- forged fivers the wrong colour!"

Outlaw Quilting Bees

Lie detector, "It's a goddam liar bird all right."

Harbor Hotel: 'Absolutely NO swashbuckling after 10 PM'.

"NOBODY LISTENS ANYMORE."

Gender Reveal

Robot porn.

'No, Neville. I don't think anyone will ever open a burger bar around here. Now, finish your carrion!'

Eggs That Were Anagarms In Past Lives -'Unscramble Me'.

Born Cynical,,,,

Bureau of alcohol, tobacco, firearms and other neat stuff.

'I wonder if we're getting enough fibre?'

'He says he's training to be a world champion weightlifter - With a knife and fork.'

''Why, I feel as light as a feather,' thought Shirley, 'I don't think I'll go on that diet, after all!'

Self-Help Books / Fixing Others.

'We're having the whole place done over in pistachio!'

Sign on shop: Headquarters: 'Business People for Peace'. Man walks out of shop wearing t-shirt with slogan 'Make money not war'.

"His schlock has gravitas."

"This next arrow should shake things up a bit!"

"You sure you've done this before."

...and we guarantee the passage of time for the life of the watch!

"Oh, the doctor told you not to work so hard, did he?... And does the doctor pay your salary?!"