Lift-cracking Humorists Pillows

'My name's Jeffrey. Will you be my Valentine?'

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

'And though he died during the hunt, we can only assume that George L Jones would want this new species of butt-faced clown monkey to forever bear his name.'

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

"Hey samson, nice man bun."

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

'Can you make me taste like broccoli?'

Newton discovers surrealism

Lie detector, "It's a goddam liar bird all right."

"I had money problems- forged fivers the wrong colour!"

"NOBODY LISTENS ANYMORE."

Gender Reveal

Harbor Hotel: 'Absolutely NO swashbuckling after 10 PM'.

Outlaw Quilting Bees

'This is a first Mr Cowbird. You've contracted mad cow disase and the bird flu!'

Robot porn.

'He says he's training to be a world champion weightlifter - With a knife and fork.'

''Why, I feel as light as a feather,' thought Shirley, 'I don't think I'll go on that diet, after all!'

Eggs That Were Anagarms In Past Lives -'Unscramble Me'.

'No, Neville. I don't think anyone will ever open a burger bar around here. Now, finish your carrion!'

'I wonder if we're getting enough fibre?'

Born Cynical,,,,

Online articles are fine, but I miss being annoyed by the fragrance sample cards in print magazines.

Bureau of alcohol, tobacco, firearms and other neat stuff.

'We can only offer you our basic dental plan: this dental floss and a pack of sugar-free gum.'

Self-Help Books / Fixing Others.

"His schlock has gravitas."

Sign on shop: Headquarters: 'Business People for Peace'. Man walks out of shop wearing t-shirt with slogan 'Make money not war'.

'We're having the whole place done over in pistachio!'

"This next arrow should shake things up a bit!"

'And do we really need scarves for warmth? And what's with the stove top hats?!'

...and we guarantee the passage of time for the life of the watch!

Rudy, do you remember when I experimented with genetically engineered produce? Yeah. And I created an enormous evil zucchini. Yep. Why? No reason. Do you have a 12-foot paring knife? Uh-oh. Huge carrot! Run!

"Oh, the doctor told you not to work so hard, did he?... And does the doctor pay your salary?!"

Seven Deadly Sins. Anger. Envy. Covetousness. Gluttony. Lust. Sloth. Pride. After you've successfully resisted the other six deadly sins, it's really hard not to be proud.