Lifestyle Improvements T-Shirts

'Someone got me because I matched her purse, I've been to a rock concert, a night club and two weddings, Life as a designer dog is great but I'd trade caviar for kibble to get a good night's sleep,'

Sometimes he just stood back and admired the breathtaking scenery of his life.

"I didn't spark joy."

'No, honestly, it's just diet and exercise.'

Low-Energy Drinks

'I love my new easylife artist's easel.'

Two books: 'The Joy of Cooking' next to 'The Joy of Dieting'.

"We're airship people, not mega-airship people."

'Twenty years ago I began jogging five miles a day - could you tell me where I am?'

Cat in a flap

"What do you mean 'sitting is the new smoking'? I thought fat was the new smoking?"

'So Kyle - have you considered the challenges of van driving?'

Meanwhile in Hollywood

'So glad you could make our vegetarian BBQ.'

Exercise Class

"Daddy, you have to flatten this curve."

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

"Only three more miles and tonight we're good for tiramisu!"

Secretive Weigh In.

"This is locally grown and good for the environment, but it may give you greenhouse gas."

Exercising

"Honey, I can't go to the gym today. I feel too out-of-shape."

"I won't be in today. I've decided to live off the land."

Item #3715 - cozy cardigan

"Your blood sugar levels are off the chart! Just how many Hallmark Christmas movies did you watch?"

Trust

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

'OK. Lose weight, stop smoking, get fit, get a better job, spend more time with the kids, cut back on the booze, be better with money and buy a speed boat.'

Man to woman leaving health club: 'The instructor said I had lots of body definition ... plump, rotund, obese, heavy ...'

'Home is where I hang my bat.'

'I think I'm getting somewhere. On the way over I stopped to smell the flowers.'

''I'm totally committed to simplifying my life. No more shitake jalapeno pesto.'

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

"I like New York, but I miss sleeping drunk on my front lawn."

'Yes I do notice an improvement. Your chins don't juggle anymore.'