Life's Final Clubber Pillows

"You're gonna love this place."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Did you sleep awkwardly again?"

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

Dancing at the Clubs.

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

'I wanted this on the rocks.'

"Do kids eat free?"

"Oh isn't that your squeeze slithering this way?"

The Walk of Shame

Sober Tooth Tiger

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

'His 5 hour energy drink timed out. If only he had taken it 3 seconds later.'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

'You know what I really like in someone? Bulk!'

"Is this fake noodle." "Yes, impasta."

A clown has a revelation at the shrink 'And then one day it dawned on me Doc... we're just not funny!'

Gangsta wrap.

Tomorrow's our first eco club meeting. Yeah, I'm nervous! There are so many big issues!

That's weird - every time I call the self-help hotline, it goes straight to my voicemail.

"...And to my favorite 'Mr. Down On His Luck' relative, I leave all my spare change."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"I'm going to Bognor next year!"

"It was a really classy restaurant. The waiters drop the food on the floor for you."

His master's chill-out album

Gorgeous Groovers.

"No, I'm a transplant."

American Express Credit Card

Nyargh! - 'I swear I will never eat fibre again...' - 'I christen thee 'Titan'.'

'Whoa Hold up, You need to get you hand stamped,'

Transylvania Lecture Hall. Tonight Count Dracula will speak about lessons he learned looking back over a long life. I thought vampires didn't reflect.

'He uses the leg rope in the water and she uses it out of the water!'

Amy Schumer

'It will bring economic benefits to the North and Midlands.'