Lens-avoiding Athlete Gifts

'Has anyone seen my contact?'

'Your shoe's untied.'

What McWit lacks in speed he gains in nose.

"Uptight End"

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

Boomerang cow.

"Must you use the cat's litter box to practice your sand trap swing?"

Skier.

'...Then touch your toes twenty times.'

"Hmm, offhand, I'd say you have a nasty case of tennis elbow!"

MD to patient: 'So, it's a little fuzzy and you're seeing spots?'

'...How much did he pay you to sneak in here and take his fitness test?'

'What the . . . no wonder we can't gain any yards. We've been fitted with radio collars...'

"Your serve is basically good, it's just you're doing something funny right at the very end."

"Just the, two recruiters from the college's awning leap team drove by."

'He's using a cheat sheet, ump! Can he do that?'

"It doesn't matter what the score is. When kids play, they play to learn sportsmanship, teamwork and the benefits of physical activity."

Bobsleigh practice.

How to think and act like a professional cricketer.

"If you don't wish to hear the match result look away now."

Downhill taxidermy never made it past the trial stages of the Olympics.

Good parenting.

Danger-zone journalists.

'He doesn't like to catch anything - He just fishes for the exercise!'

'I'm past the liver, and there's the inflamed gallbladder. ... OK, switch us back to the game...'

Using a javelin to remove a tooth.

'Who's idea was it to run backwards to Christmas for charity?'

'I've sewn a little handkerchief pocket inside his shorts for phlegm.'

'Putting into the in tray on his desk.'

Warming up

"Be the ball. Be the pins. Be the lane. Be the shoes."