Lens-avoiding Athlete Gifts

'Has anyone seen my contact?'

What McWit lacks in speed he gains in nose.

'Your shoe's untied.'

"Uptight End"

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

Boomerang cow.

"Must you use the cat's litter box to practice your sand trap swing?"

'As avid soccer player, Roy head-bumps his playing partner's ball in for a birdie.'

Skier.

'...Then touch your toes twenty times.'

"Hmm, offhand, I'd say you have a nasty case of tennis elbow!"

'...How much did he pay you to sneak in here and take his fitness test?'

'What the . . . no wonder we can't gain any yards. We've been fitted with radio collars...'

MD to patient: 'So, it's a little fuzzy and you're seeing spots?'

"Just the, two recruiters from the college's awning leap team drove by."

"Your serve is basically good, it's just you're doing something funny right at the very end."

'He's using a cheat sheet, ump! Can he do that?'

Good parenting.

Danger-zone journalists.

"If you don't wish to hear the match result look away now."

"It doesn't matter what the score is. When kids play, they play to learn sportsmanship, teamwork and the benefits of physical activity."

Bobsleigh practice.

'He doesn't like to catch anything - He just fishes for the exercise!'

'You're pregnant?'

Downhill taxidermy never made it past the trial stages of the Olympics.

How to think and act like a professional cricketer.

'I'm past the liver, and there's the inflamed gallbladder. ... OK, switch us back to the game...'

Using a javelin to remove a tooth.

Sweet Old Lady with jogging shoes and running number.

You're right, I need to clean my glasses.

'I've sewn a little handkerchief pocket inside his shorts for phlegm.'

'Putting into the in tray on his desk.'

Ask Sadie. Actual questions from actual readers! Dear Sadie, I'm twelve years old and I still can't make a half-court shot in basketball. What should I do? - Moe. Moe, I know you want a quick fix, but there's no substitute for hard work. Master the half-court shot the way I mastered needle-point, practice five hours a day for seventy-five years … while giving your competitors backhanded compliments. With diligence, you'll eventually outlive anyone who knows your failings … which means they never

'Who's idea was it to run backwards to Christmas for charity?'

Warming up