Legal Jargon Junkie T-Shirts

'It wasn't so much armed robbery as my client converting the owner's assets from sole proprietorship to a mutual fund.'

'Why, yes. We do have an easy payment plan. You just make one easy payment of the total amount billed.'

'Don't look at it as a divorce...it's like a two for one split.'

"You can't quit my bridal fashion business. It says so in the prenup, I man the non-compete agreement!"

Solicitor speaks legal jargon and has a translator who tells client: 'You haven't a hope!'

'Negotiations have reached an impasse, legal recommends we resort to violence.'

"We don't call them 'horns' anymore. They're interactive audio crash deterrent stimulators."

'Dad, when do I stop being a wholly owned subsidy of you and Mom?'

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

'Here's the good news. 'Happy camper' and 'are we having fun yet' have been added to the official list of banned cliches.'

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

Since I took over the department, I've turned it around 360 degrees.

'You use Romance Languages when wooing your beloved and Hate Languages during the prenup process.'

"Our branding lacks that certain sense of timeless gravitas. Can we have it iconosized?"

"Right so that's agreed, we can say 'Happy Festive Season' as long as we add the caveat that we are in no way liable for any lack of 'happiness' or a surfeit of 'misery'!"

'You have an over reactive gagging reflex.'

"For those of you who don't know Mr. Ingham—he's our institutional memory."

"You misread the terms of your employment. Your probation period is 6 years, not 6 months."

'So I said 'You must be frackin' joking!''

'Send this back to the legal department. I think they could make it much more complicated than this...'

'And it comes with an accompanying dictionary.'

"Am I the party of the first part or the party of the second part?"

"Isn't it true, Mr. Sheppard, that you are, in fact, the 'party of the first part'?"

Childhood can be tough when your dad is a lawyer...

'I like you, Susan, you have an intuitive interface.'

"Wow! This car has a continental kit, train horn, smoothed-out firewall, polyurethane bushings and a 2400-CFM fan! I have a long way to go!"

"Their lawyer found out that I enjoy reading poetry, and that I also like to watch professional wrestling. They're calling it a conflict of interests."

'Don't worry, Ma'am -- we'll do everything for him that psychobabble can do!'

After Mr and Mrs Tooth and Nail you've got the Hammer and Tongs.

Judge has work boxes labeled Sustained and Overruled.

'Your uncle left everything to Charity... So far we haven't been able to locate her.'

This may help you understand my presentation.

'We structured the deal so that you'll need a lawyer to explain it.'

"Yes, Peters, it is just legalese. It's all just legalese. We're a law firm."