Legal Humorists Pillows

"It's a privacy disclosure letter from the tooth fairy."

'Guilty or not guilty?' - 'I'll start off with not guilty, and see how it goes.'

'Excuse me, juror #7. Do you mind if we continue?'

Adverse Prenup

"Not to be a killjoy, but this happened on our property. Are liable?"

"He was a plagiarist. So what if I plagiarized him."

'You didn't win, but you do get some lovely parting gifts, including the prison cell version of the game.'

'I was caught cheating on my income tax. The irony of it is that I worked for the IRS.'

'This is your life sentence'

"My client was unaware that public waste disposal places exist, as she only watches TRASH on the television."

"Do you two have a history?"

"Your honor, I'd like to request a new defense attorney!"

"We are being unlawfully detained. I say we file a petition for habeas carpus."

"I'm not sure the Christmas jumper is good for your gravitas, m'lud."

"My client can't help his verbal obfuscation. He's suffering from straightforwardness dysfunctionality."

"Just to clarify for the court; is that a 'moo moo here' or a 'moo moo there'?"

'I trust the Court will take into account the fact that my client brushes his teeth regularly.'

'Should have seen this coming.'

My client is claiming that you have discriminated against him as a species, that your refusal to let him sniff client's bottoms is against his canine rights and that your policies have acted against him reaching partnership.

'Me, I'm here for perjury: I said I couldn't remember while under oath...'

Stay behind the barriers. It's the million lawyers march.

'Either it's a mistake, or this town's gone soft on crime.'

'There must be some confusion-I asked for a 'fingerprints' expert.'

"I aint a 'defendant, I'm the guy wot one it.'

'Your honor, we find the defendant not guilty, but we sure wouldn't let our daughters go out with him!'

"Counselor, please refrain from doing that to the witness!"

"I allege that the defendant is not a 2-in-1 shampoo conditioner, but, in fact, a 3-in-1 shampoo conditioner murderer."

'I had my attorney draw this up. It states that if I choose to rise, I don't necessarily have to shine.'

"Our new associate asks how much of a fee is too much. Do you want to handle this or shall I laugh in his face?"

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

Barristers

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

"He's actually my co-counsel, but you may scratch his head."

Patent Attorney (invisible man)