Legal Dramedy Gifts

Cat accused of eating fish

Judge with gavel, stupid attorney says: Okay, I'll bite, who's there?

'What odds will you give me, that my case gets thrown out of court?'

'How do you plead, in twenty-five words or less?'

"After I graduate middle school, high school and college, I'll go to law school to get you out of this. But I want my retainer now."

"So, just to be clear: the 'voices inside your head' told you to launder the money from forfeited law enforcement seizures in exchange for federal tax breaks for your Uncle Mark in Costa Rica?"

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I've got to ask you another question. I heard someone in the courtroom shout out the correct answer."

'Do you expect the jury to believe that? And, more importantly, do you expect the viewers of the eventual TV movie of this trial to believe it?'

"Boy is he good! He's even got me convinced you're guilty!"

"Mr. Pope, please give this summons to your boss. The prosecutor wants to know how god can allow so much misery."

'I haven't spent a day in jail since I got rid of my lawyer and hired a spinmeister.'

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

"The last time I was in Europe was 4 boyfriends ago..."

"Before the defense rests, my client would like to read you a little sonnet he composed about his love for the jury."

"Another slander suit!"

'Way too much information on your resume.'

"I'll never understand it. I followed the generally accepted principles of embezzling."

"Thank you for the rewind, Miss Cooper. Now let us fast-forward to that fateful moment in February and hit the pause button."

'Furthermore, had a handrail been fitted to the wall , my client would not be sitting here now.'

'For ever 'no-no' there's a legal 'yes-yes'.'

"We, the jury, find the defendant."

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, my client blah blah...."

"You don't have to answer that."

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

'Are you sure you saw my client do it? Let me remind you, it takes one to know one.'

"Can you identify the person who assaulted you and then stole your title?"

'I will not have the species card played in my courtroom, Counselor.'

"Your Honor, the witness, in my opinion, has failed to establish credibility."

"You can lie to the prosecutor but don't ever lie to your co-conspirators."

Robert Macaire as a Barrister

'Who do you think you're kidding? -- You lifted that alibi from a September, 1958 episode of 'Perry Mason!'

"In a surprising turn of events, the end testifies against the means."

'He'll be really p****d if he doesn't get nominated for an award this year.'