Legal Conduct Gifts

'M'Lud, I know this is your first day, but I think you need to stop shouting I AM THE LAW!'

Trial by Media

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

'The toughest things you have to deal with in this job, is feelings and lawyers.'

'I appreciate how you feel, but I'm afraid your report card isn't grounds for defamation of character.

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one 'bad dog' is sufficient."

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

"Bailiff."

'The sole reason I haven't talked to my wife for five years, is that I was too polite to interrupt her...'

'This prediction has a margin of error of plus or minus fifteen...fifteen class-action suits brought against the company.'

"We're slapping you with a stress suit, pal!"

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

Lawyer to bad hair lady: 'It's difficult to establish pain and suffering based on a bad hair day.'

Prosecution bears the burden of proof. Defense bears the burden of twisting and distorting said proof.

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

"The jury didn't buy my defense that CEOs just want to have fun."

"Objection! Pummelling the witness."

"I advised a patient to take responsibilty for his own actions, and now he is suing me!"

The Birth of a Lawsuit

'I didn't realize we'd employed a cyber bully in you, Miss Tweedy.'

'This could be me and you, your honor. Heading for Las Vegas!'

Employer surrenders to case loads of workplace disputes and claims.

Words that can result in employee litigation box.

'I couldn't help noticing that nobody swore YOU in!'

"They're class action figures."

Sue The Bastards

"And I put it to you Mr. MacDonald, that on the morning of December 3rd, you had cold hands whilst attaching a milking machine to my client's udder!"

'Do you Duane, paternity suit notwithstanding, take Diane...'

"'Season's Greetings' looks O.K. to me. Let's run it by the legal department."

"Does it hurt when my attorney does this?"

"There's no need for your kitty to be envious. After state and federal taxes and legal administrative fees, Chessy's share of Aunt Martha's estate came to hardly anything."

"All I can figure is that he must have been inspecting the water quality of our lakes and rivers when he became entangled in cement."

Alfred Marquez, Probate Attorney - Heir club for men.