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"Suspicious package under the Christmas tree? OK, please just stay calm and remain on the line."

Early Profiling

No Parking.

Life in the Fast Lane.

Police introduce poetry to reduce stress - Sergeant reading poetry to criminal.

"Apparently he's from a silent order."

Police Feline Unit

Billy. The Kid.

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

Next camera crew 5 mins

"Good evening, sir, may I see your drinking licence please?"

'Have a heart, officer... the little mite is starving!'

"He's an ex-police dog, so he's very law abiding."

'We want more police on our streets!' 'WHAT?! Do you have any idea how dangerous it is out there?'

'Oh no a speed camera.'

"You were going 24,998 in a 24,955!"

'We've got a new DNA database...'

'Can I have your autograph...?'

"You have the right to remain silent."

'Vice squad - you're busted.'

"You're under arrest for breaking the law of gravity! You have the right to..."

"Alright, I'll talk. Just please, stop with the good-cop, ab-cop routine."

Relax, I'm just here to pick up a prescription.

"C'mon man, you got the wrong species."

"Well, when you were called a 'bad dog,' were you publicly harmed?"

'Did you drop this £20 note, Sir?' 'Ooh, YES!' 'That will be a £50 fine.'

Arcarde Patrol

'Why can't I park it here? I'm just getting my moneys worth.'

"Tell me about your fear of policemen."

Police hiding in the ballot box.

It's amazing how people slow down when you point a hair dryer at them.

"Honey, did you have to bring the whole squad to our elopement?"

Street trader tricking police.

"If you can prove my innocence to the court, I'll give you half of my cut, from the bank job."

"Where were you five minutes ago when someone was stealing my getaway car?"