Laughing At Office Life Gifts

Personnel Manager of the Wild...

"He sits there all day waiting to chase the email man."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"Of course I have a life. Not one worth living, mind you."

Bureaucrats held up by the workers.

"I heard you're top dog in trust and loyalty training."

"My wife is about to have a baby, so I was wondering if you could make me work late for the next eighteen years or so."

"The beatings will continue until the morale improves!"

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

'Henderson! Have you been drinking again?'

"We're restructuring - Wednesday moves to Friday, Tuesday becomes Wednesday, Monday stays where it is and Thursday and Friday will be merged with the weekend."

Corporate Scapegoat of the Month (Poster hanging on company hallway)

Ordnance: 'explode...implode'.

'Your loyalty to the company is exemplary, Potter, but we'll have to let you go if you can't stop chewing up the conference room furniture!'

Scene from an early draft of Moby Dick

Call centre musicians

Sat Nav: 'You will be sat down all day long...and all day tomorrow...and...'

Goodyear Blimp flying round globe.

"We'd better get over there. The morning coffee scrum has already started."

'Scoutmasters aren't usually used as references.'

"Yes, but you're a half hour late in dog minutes."

"Briggs is running our stress at work assessment."

'We don't discriminate per se - we just don't hire Lyle Lovett lookalikes.'

'How did the meeting go?'

'We will no longer make major decisions based upon our playing 'one potato; two potato'...'

"Every time he elbow bumps me, he hits my funny bone on purpose."

It's time, sir. Why don't you go first today. Ahem. Monkey Vicodin finance home office. Elongated African banking sex freak. The contest to see who got the day's weirdest email subject line. Spammers, we have a tie.

"I got you a get well card because when I ask for a raise, it makes you sick!"

"Apropos your request for a salary increase, we're going to have you appraised."

'Applicant wacked out, suggest immediate promotion.'

Multitasking.

You're getting that office with windows you've always wanted - you'll be working from your car in the parking lot with a laptop.

"Well we've had our 15% budget cut confirmed,nobody's applied for our vacancies and we're moving the office into the Portocabin in the carpark. Item 2 staff morale."

'Toilet breaks are for LOSERS!'

"We're a prestigious department, yet we have only three active prima donnas."