Laughter In The Office Gifts

"I got you a get well card because when I ask for a raise, it makes you sick!"

"Looks like we found the issue."

No, I didn't know they were going to cut the office furniture budget in half.

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

'You forget, I'm a blackbelt in powerpoint.'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"This position has become very important to the company."

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'The check is in the email attachment.'

"Well, ordinary men have colleagues. Successful men have victims."

'Let's not go by the book.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"Clear my schedule for the next five minutes. I feel the need for some spontaneous frivolity."

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

"Worst case of month-end burnout I ever saw."

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

"You've proven your worth a hundred times over. Let's try for a thousand."

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

"Don't flutter your little wings on company time."

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

Bo're'droom

'A few more years in this job and you'll learn how to delegate stress.'

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

'Sorry, suffering from burnout return in a week.'

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

'Being the boss's yes-man used to be easier. Now you also have to 'like' him on facebook, follow him on Twitter, link with him on linked-in...'

'Salaries Manager. No.'

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."