Laughing At Life Gifts

Truck collision due to incompetence

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

"I need to tinkle."

Missing my hair.

'Smile and say: tofu-based dairy substitute.'

'Well sure, YOU'VE got brakes on FOUR wheels!'

'Ain't it great, Wally, to be over the hill and not under it!'

IRS. That was a rough audit. They disallowed all of my deductions! You can't claim all these people as dependents ... The business expenses are not correct ... and the charitable contributions don't meet guidelines. You're shredding my return with that?! Wow! Ut was The Taxes Chainsaw Massacre!

I don't understand why I need a referral from my primary-care doctor to see a specialist I've already seen, who told me himself to come back for a follow-up visit. That's just the way it works. You'll also need a referral from your tailor before we can put you in a hospital gown.

'Wow! Where'd you come from?'

'My 'harrumphs' are losing their volume.'

"Welcome back, Mr. Bigley. Some messages came in for you while you were dead."

Emotional Incontinence - Emotional Illiteracy

'I'll have to reschedule your appointment -- the doctor had an attack of squeamishness.'

'Your extensive anxiety condition was brought about by worrying about a national health plan.'

'Oh dear.'

"So you turned off the power, huh?"

"When water turns into ice, which of its physical properties increases?"

'Carol, get your protective headphones on'

'I'd like to try some coffins.' - 'Let me show you our standard size.' - 'It feels a bit tight around the waist.' - 'How are you looking to die?' - 'I don't know, really.' - 'I'd recommend a wasting disease.' -

'So, your place, or my mother's.'

"And so now I'm supposed to be the faithful companion who goes for help?"

'These shooting sticks are not very comfortable!'

'The good news is your ailment is named after me, the bad news is there is no cure,'

"Are you sure this is what the man who attacked you looked like?"

General Dentistry.

'I hope you haven't been picking at it.'

"The most painful thing about the breakup was the tattoo removal."

"Of course - as a private patient you'd get little extras-like anaesthetic..."

New Graduate: Entering real life.

'Was that you who screamed?' - 'No, the dentist.'

Plumbers. I said Ernie is a perfectionist, not a competent perfectionist!

REcalculating...

"Ok Mr. Mosley, before we go, would you fill in these forms and complete the questionnaire - not forgetting to leave feedback regarding your judgement-day experience. . ."