Laughing At Life's Absurdities Gifts

'Oh dear.'

"I need to tinkle."

"I think I've fixed the intercom. Just remember to speak into the ceiling fan when the doorbell rings."

Missing my hair.

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

"Would you describe the pain everyone else causes you as dull and throbbing or sharp like a knife?"

'Well sure, YOU'VE got brakes on FOUR wheels!'

IRS. That was a rough audit. They disallowed all of my deductions! You can't claim all these people as dependents ... The business expenses are not correct ... and the charitable contributions don't meet guidelines. You're shredding my return with that?! Wow! Ut was The Taxes Chainsaw Massacre!

I don't understand why I need a referral from my primary-care doctor to see a specialist I've already seen, who told me himself to come back for a follow-up visit. That's just the way it works. You'll also need a referral from your tailor before we can put you in a hospital gown.

'Wow! Where'd you come from?'

"Welcome back, Mr. Bigley. Some messages came in for you while you were dead."

'My 'harrumphs' are losing their volume.'

Emotional Incontinence - Emotional Illiteracy

'Your extensive anxiety condition was brought about by worrying about a national health plan.'

'I'll have to reschedule your appointment -- the doctor had an attack of squeamishness.'

"So you turned off the power, huh?"

"When water turns into ice, which of its physical properties increases?"

Truck collision due to incompetence

'I'd like to try some coffins.' - 'Let me show you our standard size.' - 'It feels a bit tight around the waist.' - 'How are you looking to die?' - 'I don't know, really.' - 'I'd recommend a wasting disease.' -

'These shooting sticks are not very comfortable!'

"And so now I'm supposed to be the faithful companion who goes for help?"

'The good news is your ailment is named after me, the bad news is there is no cure,'

General Dentistry.

"Are you sure this is what the man who attacked you looked like?"

'I used to be self-employed, but I got fired!'

"The most painful thing about the breakup was the tattoo removal."

'I hope you haven't been picking at it.'

"Of course - as a private patient you'd get little extras-like anaesthetic..."

New Graduate: Entering real life.

Plumbers. I said Ernie is a perfectionist, not a competent perfectionist!

REcalculating...

"Have you been waiting long?"

"Ok Mr. Mosley, before we go, would you fill in these forms and complete the questionnaire - not forgetting to leave feedback regarding your judgement-day experience. . ."